Friday, August 14, 2009

Forbes Babel

Sadly, it is not just African’s who are suffering the effects of European Industrialization. Here is a story from a Forbes article, Babel Rouser is an appropriate title for this Forbes Piece. Denis O’brien sells prepaid cellular phones to the starving people of Papuan New Guinea:

Babble Rouser

Despite Coups, Corruption and kidnappings, Cell Phone Maverick Denis O’brien keeps pouring money into the World’s poorest, Most Violent countries. His bet: Give phones to the masses and they’ll fight your enemies for you.

The story goes as follows. O’brien was sitting on the beach in Barbados looking over two buy out offers for 3.8 billion when it hit him: Why not buy the whole Company himself? One Month later he sold $1.4 Billion in bonds, enough to buy minority investors out of their 22% stake, put a few hundred million into the business and pocketed 800 million for himself free and clear. Obrien prefers to think positively of the tight budgets that borrowing demands “If you have limited resources, you have to be more clever, more skillful, and more defiant.”

Let me translate: While O’brien was sitting on his fat ass on the beach he received some insider information that his Company was arbitrarily valued at 3.8 billion for selling some worthless technology. With this information he borrows some $1.4 billion worth of toilet paper, that he will never touch. He then buys out his partners but the valuation is not the same as the two 3.8 billion dollar offers he was reviewing in Barbados. He put 800 million in his pocket as profit on money he borrowed. He transferred the figure $800,000,000 to his Swiss Banking Account (tax purposes). The reason he collected this worthless 800 digit figure is because he leveraged his “Technology” Company that sells worthless pre paid cell phones to a population that does not even have electricity. O’brien then puts a “couple hundred million” into his company. Forbes is very informal when discussing hundred of millions. I do not remember seeing a few hundred million in any business or math classes but we will assume this means 200 million. He then gives his original business partners the remaining $400 million (of the 1.4 billion) for their 22% investment Stake. We will estimate since this is all funny math to begin with. If he gave them the 400 million that Forbes suggests, their 22% stake represents a valuation of only 2 billion. This somehow escapes the attention of other Wall Street Tycoons who read Forbes magazine religiously (That is their religion). If he gave them $400,000,000 (lots of zeros) for their 22% that means the remaining 80% of this equity is worth 1.6 billion totaling a $2 billion valuation. His companies worth changed 1.8 billion dollars and nothing material has changed from the point he was sitting on the beach to the time he put on his shark suit to go screw his pals. Even the guys who got screwed out of 360 plus million dollars (20% of 1.8 billion) read this article and do not miss their “couple hundred million.” The most amazing thing about all of these unfathomable numbers flying around is that nobody did anything other than lie, manipulate, pick up a telephone, and then click a transfer button to their offshore banking account. The only value that this paper has to me is the amount of hungry mouths that could be fed with 1.8 billion Dollars. Even a poultry 360 million could help feed a couple billion of the kids that are starving to death as we speak. These wealthy philanthropist should be donating more than museums to store their family’s collection of Art that they have stolen through the centuries. How much could this generosity really hurt if they did not even notice when one of their business partners steals 360 million from them. He was “more clever, skillful, and defiant”

You are clever Mr. Obrien but not so smart your vanity caused you to air your dirty laundry out in Forbes for no reason and as dumb luck would have it someone was actually paying attention.

It is all funny money. The reason I am 100% certain that he will never see any green is because there is not enough greenbacks to translate all of their off shore banking account balances. It would literally rob the earth of its oxygen, there would be no more trees left after making their green money. They now deal in virtual currency…We went off the Gold standard, then took a ride on the green back, and now we are all riding the Computerized Virtual Super Highway….Isn’t technology great, where would we be without prepaid cell phones for the children soldiers of Papuan New Guinea?

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